VAGINA PIZA (this is where you say “okay I’ll bite”)
Guys, imagine you’re boarding a plane as you realize that you’re starving. And you’re in this flying metal cage for the next 4 hours with nothing to eat but a packet of peanuts.
Just then you look down at the seat next to you to see a guy opening a box of the most mouth-watering airport chain pizza you’ve ever laid your eyes on. It smells sooooo good.
Naturally, you reach down, take a slice and satisfy your hunger. Wait. No you don’t. Because that’s insane. Right? Can you imagine? What if you were the guy with the pizza and I just took it from you? What would you do?
Then why is this happening all over the country? 1 in 5 young women in U.S. colleges will experience having their pizza taken without consent. Only the pizza is their vagina.
Before some of you get irrationally defensive upon hearing a fact and think I’m just another male man-hater, hear me out. It’s completely okay to want pizza. I LOVE PIZZA! I want to have as much pizza as possible in my life. And I have no qualms with that. I’m biologically wired to desire pizza. I know this, because I can have just had pizza and be totally satisfied and then see pizza and want to have more pizza. So when I see a pizza that I can’t have, say at a food court or on TV, and I think “that looks mighty delicious,” do I feel guilty? Hell no! Do I hate on guys who would absolutely try any semi-appealing pizza if circumstances permitted? I’m not a hypocrite. But who just takes the pizza? Who drugs the pizza? Who bullies the pizza? Who pretends to be friends with the pizza? Who creeps out the pizza? Too many of us do. So stop. Now. If there’s a pizza you want but it doesn’t want you, just appreciate the fact that pizza exists and move about your business.
If we applied that 1 in 5 rate of women who are sexually assaulted or raped at U.S. colleges to our airplane scenario that would be around 28 people on our typical domestic flight who had their pizza violated. 28 manhandled pizzas. That’s fucking chaos. We wouldn’t accept such a society. Do we really care more about pizza etiquette than our female peers—the future leaders and lawmakers and innovators and creators and teachers and mothers and girlfriends and wives of our society?
No more being impatient, greedy or entitled. There’s enough pizza for everyone to get a piece of the pie. That’s the cool thing, you can be pizza too. Most women love man pizza! You actually want to be her pizza. It’s way more fun to be each other’s pizza than for her to offer you some without being hungry.
So keep being your sexy self (which only means being okay with yourself—sounds simple, but really, work on it). And until you meet that next person who wants to share some pizza, you just have to not be a douche, find a seat, and if you need to feel some temporary satisfaction, just grab those nuts.