“Misogyny and Other Cock Blockers”

Boss Senorita

Last Wednesday I released a video for “Boss Señorita”—a song I wrote to empower women and offer men a different approach. Two days later, a misogynist killed 6 people because women rejected him. I’ve seen much discussion about misogyny since then and I’m seeing men get very defensive. As a man, I understand why. My hope is that admitting why—to ourselves and to women—may help us create a space where women aren’t terrified of us. One can dream.

Naturally, we feel offended when we hear generalizations about our gender. We want to say, “IT’S NOT ALL MEN.” But the rage I’m hearing and reading from many of us only points out that some of the generalizations hit too close to home.

None of us are truly innocent bystanders. Not all men are violent or disrespectful, but we are more similar to the creeps and violators than we like to admit. We have the same compulsion to look at a woman walking by. We objectify regularly. We feel unwarranted jealousy when a cute girl we barely know has a crush on someone else. We feel a territorial ownership of the females in our lives. The offenders are not some alien species.

I am not suggesting that we should feel guilty for having desires, fantasies or for feeling protective. My goal is to make men aware that these natural instincts feed an unnatural cultural problem. We overlook everyday sexism because it strokes our egos, exploits our desires and skews the balance in our favor.

Much of our behavior and our media bombard women (and men) with the idea that they aren’t worth our time (or maybe anything) if they are not attractive and/or eager to pleasure us. Like the sexy fast food commercials that make our mouths water and our balls twitch. And the cheerleader kicking her legs apart every time our team scores. It’s everywhere. And it’s great, right? A system that tells women that if they desire a man’s attention they must be hot and ready—why wouldn’t we want to keep that system? For one, it’s manipulation. It is also oppression. And it is so pervasive that women police each other on our behalf. And yet it’s still not getting us what we want: to be desired.

We want women to think we are great. Our egos require women to think that we are great. Think? What, like men? System failure. Despite what we are taught, it turns out that women do think and men do have feelings. All the self-doubt that we encourage in women for our benefit instead feeds our own self-doubt. When we can’t tell if a woman thinks we are awesome or if she is simply looking for male validation, our egos cannot truly be satisfied – even if our balls are.

By the way, I despise manipulation and sexism when it comes from women too. I am just focusing on what I think is the heart of the problem. Yes, men get hurt by women. I have been hurt and rejected by women. That it is a part of life. Culture-wide objectification, dissatisfaction, and daily terror don’t have to be.

From as early as we can remember, sexism is passed onto us. We’ve all heard our fathers, grandfathers, uncles and/or favorite movie characters talking about how women are irrational or too complex to understand. We’re told “to keep a woman happy, just say sorry,” or the slightly more blatant “bitches be crazy.” This is dehumanization. From childhood. We weren’t born sexist and we don’t have to pass it on.

As I type this, my son is watching Power Rangers. One of the male characters just said to his buddy, “I saw her first!” As though she is the front seat and he just called “shotgun!” Objectification is everywhere. From childhood. (For the record, I just explained to my son that it is not up to those Power Rangers who the girl likes, and that she doesn’t have to like either of them.)

Until we, as males, change our deeply engrained expectations we will never be innocent bystanders. We start by taking responsibility for our insecurities. By how we talk about women when women aren’t around. By knowing that our worth is not measured by how much women desire us. By how we anonymously comment online. By how we raise our young boys and girls as equals: if it’s not cool for your daughter to have sex, it’s not cool for your son either. By how we listen to her with the same respect we would give our mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, best friends and acquaintances.  Just because there is ALSO a part of you that would totally bone her silly if you could—in an alternate universe, in a vacuum, in your head, or wherever—it doesn’t mean you can disrespect her in the real world.

This isn’t to say you can’t make advances. If you want to explore real world options with her just pay attention to her words and body language. And take the hint. Who knows? Whether it’s a one-night stand or a lifetime of commitment, she may actually want what you want! However, if she doesn’t —and this is the crucial part —Let. It. Go. Even if you are the most awesome guy in the world, and spend a lifetime wooing her, you are not entitled to ANYTHING! “But I put a ring on it!” Is NOT an excuse. If you don’t like what you’re getting back in return, communicate. Use your words.  You’re a big boy. If your feelings and desires don’t matter to her, move along. She’s clearly not who you are looking for. No amount of emotional or physical manipulation can change that.

Oh and you don’t have to respect all women. You don’t have to respect all men either. If you don’t respect someone, move along. That’s equality. That’s feminism. Just because it starts with “fem” doesn’t make it pro female or anti male… it is literally “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women EQUAL to those of men.”

If we want a leg to stand on when we claim that it’s “NOT ALL MEN” then we need to be less defensive when women stereotype us, and be more offended when men perpetuate the stereotype. Some of us may have stood up for women in obviously harmful cases, but we need to do it in the “harmless” ones too. For too long we have laughed at the sexist joke­­—whether because we thought in funny or wanted to fit in. Let’s be pioneers. Let’s be revolutionary. I can’t think of anything more manly.  Plus, chicks will totally dig it.

130 Comments

  1. Well done Lee, I’m going to share this with my teenage sons.

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    • Thanks Kim! I was nervous about writing this because I feel like I’m on a soap box but sometimes, things just need to be said. I’m glad you appreciate what I’m saying and hope it does something positive for someone.

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  2. Lee, I applaud you with utter respect and appreciation. Just reading this is like an unreal dream. To read these concepts, eloquently stated (seeing you use meaningful terms for the audience) and very gracefully composed, has brought me to tears. Honestly, I couldn’t conceive what an equal world could look like, but your message here has stunned me. If I could just write “thank you” a thousand times, I would. Thank you for thinking this completely about it. Thank you for putting meaningful words to it. Thank you for sharing it.

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  3. BRAVO! I can’t even express how awesome this is. The world is such a scary place especially now with media and such. Especially if you have children in this day and age! It is definitely up to us to teach our little ones to have respect for EVERYONE. Thanks for writing this.

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    • Thanks for reading, Ceci. Much RESPECT!

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  86. より多くのあなたがスキンケアに投資、より若々しく健康的なお肌になります。
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  87. これは、いくつかの良いレストラン、アートギャラリーやバーのほか、アンティークや工芸品のお店の様々な家です。
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  88. Se il liquido è chiaro, non cè da preoccuparsi.
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  89. 「ニューヨーカーとして、彼女は女性が自分の外見について取りつく方法に驚いていると言い、まだそれらの女性はピラティスのような単純な何かをして喜んではありません。
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  91. これらのいくつかは、多くのハンガリーの来場者を魅了して英語メニューとカフェヴィアンが含まれます。
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  92. La repubblica crollò nel 1830, quando Venezuela ed Ecuador separati da esso.
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  94. Nel 1941, molti stati formarono i loro gruppi aviazione di protezione civile per aiutare a proteggere gli aeroporti e le coste della nazione.
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  95. Supporto decisionale è composto da euristiche per aiutare nel processo decisionale – un sistema di pseudo esperto.
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  96. Molte delle città erano allegati da principi tedeschi.
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  97. 葬儀サービスオークランドによると、それはあなたの気持ちを伝えることになっています。
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  98. 私たちのシリーズA優先転換の各シェアは当社の普通株式の6(6)株式に転換することができます。
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  99. 通常、時間がフェードインすると再開するための新しい場所を許可する不合理の記憶のために通過しなければなりません。
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  100. ガダルカナルの日本以上の別の主要な戦いに勝利。
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  102. 食品、空気、水のような私たちの基本的な物理的なニーズは、非常によく満足しています。
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  103. その他のすべての報酬の半分以上は、チェーンの上位1%になってしまいます。
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  104. スプレッドシートはまた、半年、四半期ごとに提供し、Finvizの年間リターンデータの礼儀。
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  105. 例えば、ウォルマートしてください。
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  106. 人とあなたの関係、あなたのビジネスの実践だけでなく、あなたの財政を調べます。
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  107. この混合物ではなく、フィードオーバーに注意しながら、すべての二、三日、慎重に追加する必要があります。
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  108. 517 BCEと道教の創始者であるだけでなく、その中の重要な神であ​​ること – 老子(または老子)が約600からいつか住んでいると言われました。
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  109. その他のビジネスローンの優遇措置は、現在進行中の紹介やボーナス、割引料金への排他的アクセス、レートの減少、ローンを簡単に転送、商人のアカウント、請求書ファクタリング、供給と在庫を購入するための重要な連絡先、およびから将来の資金を得るための強力な可能性を含むことができ、同じ融資機関。
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  110. 4パーセントのリターン\x3d 45.
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  111. その現実は(最終的に)貸借対照表に反映されています。
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  112. リードのそのスタックを取り、三つのカテゴリーにそれらを並べ替える:将来の顧客、有益なネットワーキングの連絡先、およびその他。
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  113. これはまた、有意な豊富なインド遺産の枯渇につながっています。
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  114. まず、y軸を標識する用語「経験」は「自動正しくない」ためである」支出。
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  115. あなたは電子メールメッセージを送信するたびに、電子メールアドレスがもはや有効であるため、立ち直るないそのいくつかがあるように起こっている、それのタイプミスを持って、受信者の受信ボックスがいっぱいになっている、または人が不在応答を持っています活性化しました。
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  116. すべての3つは、61馬力のエンジンを用意しています。
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  117. プレナム室に流入する空気は、スカートの外側より低圧の空気から空気のクッションを絶縁するためにスカートのベースの周りに循環する空気の環を形成します。
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  118. 68のリスク/報酬比で、優れたまま。
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  119. すべてのこれらの新しい子供たちが最初に物事おむつやおもちゃを必要とし、学校の建物や衣服、それ以降の記録や自動車、好景気に付属品のすべての種類。
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  120. ちょうど同様に、米国はその刺激に資金を供給するために発行しなければならなかった債務の量を与えられました。
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  121. 地平線上にあなたの目を保ち、あなたのリスナーあなたがそれらから十分な注意を期待する同じ敬意を払います。
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  122. 高齢者にも重要な潜在的な消費者のグループであることを忘れないでください。
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